Save the Last Dance for Him

Opera, the stiff sway & swing states.

By now we’ve all seen the creepy dance videos of Donald Trump at an all-instrumental town hall in Pennsylvania. For 40 minutes, he stood there on the stage like a petulant child or a sad clown, stiffly swaying to what could only be called the worst playlist ever to hit Spotify.

I haven’t heard a compilation this bad since my mixed tapes in high school which always included some whimsical Rick Astley song.

But Trump had it all: God Bless America. Ave Maria. Andrea Bocelli’s haunting ballad, Time to Say Goodbye, which was followed, naturally, by YMCA, Hallelujah, Nothing Compares 2 U, and finally, Guns N’ Roses’ haunting ballad, November Rain.

Trump was joined by South Dakota governor Kristi Noem, who failed to coax him offstage. I half expected her to shoot him to put him out of his misery.

You know how we were all so relieved when Biden finally stepped aside? It was like convincing your grandfather to give up the keys to the Cadillac so he’d have more time to watch The Weather Channel.

Sure, Trump’s only 78 years young but at the town hall he was in some sort of parallel universe, a world without rhythm or purpose. There was even one dude behind him doing the slow clap looking like he was about to kill himself.

The roughly 32 text messages I get every morning from the Kamala campaign have gotten increasingly desperate. Is my $5 really going to make a difference? I’m already doing my part by writing postcards urging registered Democrats in Texas to vote. I’m even showing up to some of their homes to threaten them in person.

Anyway, if you haven’t heard, it’s all about PENNSYLVANIA. If she doesn’t win, it’s because she lost Pennsylvania. And all the important Pennsylvanians whose sole reason for living in Pennsylvania is so they could be somebody in an election year. I’ve found that I’ve developed this sort of uncontrollable rage for the swing state people. I’m looking at you, Wisconsin. You’re such a disappointment.

As you can see in this interactive map from 538, which I interact with every five minutes, I gave PA, NC and AZ to Trump and NV, WI, MI and GA to Kamala. That’s how she wins without PA. Bonus? I’m learning where all the states are located on the map. That’s where Indiana is? Who knew?

Disclaimer: I’m often wrong.

And the emotional bargaining, oh, the bargaining in these last couple of weeks. Also known as “magical thinking,” like when you think that if you make it through that yellow light before it turns red, then Kamala will win. If it turns red, Trump will win.

And it will be all your fault.