Running on Empty

Gold-plated sneakers, fundraising scams & bearded dragons.

You may already be too late to be a proud owner of Never Surrender sneakers (sincerest apologies to Corey Hart), a $400 gold athletic shoe to help offset Donald Trump’s completely bogus 91 felony counts and associated legal fees. Now, as far as I know, Trump’s feet have never been anywhere near a sneaker. I’m fairly certain that if he got too close, they would burst into flames.

The shoe was released at Sneaker Con, which is kind of like Comic Con without the cosplay and C-list celebrities. I’ve never been a runner myself and, due to my freakishly small knees and old crow brittle bones, I wear Allbirds wool runners basically every day. But I’m a legit marathon runner compared to that lump.

Trump’s ruby slippers. There’s no place like court.

I mean, those are the most ridiculous sneakers I’ve ever seen. They look like the boxing shoes that Apollo Creed wore in the exhibition match against Russian Ivan Drago that went horribly wrong.

The only thing Trump would use his sneakers for is to kick those deadbeat countries out of NATO. (Up top.)

The poor man’s Captain America.

But if you act now, you’ll get a bonus Trump superhero charm! You can add it to your charm bracelet in between the bedazzled American flag and the commemorative January 6th pendant!

I mean, you’ve got to feel for the former president. The man has lost a lot of money through no fault of his own other than assaulting women, grossly inflating his net worth, violating gag orders and reading classified documents on his toilet.

Trump has been fined $354 million in his civil fraud case and an additional $100 million in pre-judgment interest plus another $5 for stealing that kid’s candy.

And I’m no business magnate but even I know that selling those unsightly sneakers to his base won’t generate $450 million. But don’t worry. His campaign (sorry, I meant “the wife of a wealthy investor”) also decided to set up a GoFundMe page to help with his legal expenses. I wish I were kidding. I wish I were kidding about ALL OF THIS.

Oh, Brenda Loew. Just keep your 20 bucks.

For the sake of comparison, most GoFundMe asks look something like this.

Now, I don’t know if Elvis the bearded dragon really does need surgery or how much it would cost or if he spends the better part of the day wistfully staring out the window dreaming of finding his real family but his owner has raised $280. The funds raised would at least cover basic grooming services at PetSmart, if not surgery treatment pathology.

And that, my friends, is the true GoFundMe.