Ron's Ego is Writing Checks His Body Can't Cash
DeSantis, Maverick, Martha's Vineyard, woke math & jorts.
Another Sunday, another failed NYT delivery. You have no idea how much I hate reading on my laptop. For work, I just print websites out and read them on mint green paper. And then I take all the clippings and tape them up in the shed behind our house because I’m looking for encrypted messages but that’s another story entirely.
Needless to say, I had to read the NYT Magazine cover story about the 44-year-old blowhole Rick DeSantis online. And I think I speak for all of us when I say, gross. DeSantis is praying that Trump doesn’t run in 2024 but since he’s Catholic, he should already know there’s no way his prayers will be answered. It’s just ingrained in the catechism (p. 1,334).
For instance, I grew up Catholic and I prayed really hard for a Cabbage Patch Doll but all I got was a Cabbage Patch Preemie which meant it was a SMALLER Cabbage Patch Doll because it was born too early and now that I think about it, that’s a really weird toy.
And yet, DeSantis is putting out campaign ads where he plays Tom Cruise if Tom Cruise were an ordinary looking Florida governor. (Yes, I realize he was in the “Navy.” He supported operations at Guantanamo which explains absolutely everything.)
OK, that video is, how do I put this, maybe the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And I saw Speed 2. Who does he think he’s kidding with this macho flight suit? DeSantis is totally a jorts guy. If there’s anyone in the world I can imagine wearing jorts, it’s him. Like, hey, Florida’s too hot for jeans so jorts are the perfect solution for someone who, I imagine, is proud of his calves. That’s so woke.
But here’s something that’s not. Last week he decided to copy Greg Abbott (who copies Greg Abbott??) and transport 50 Venezuelan and Colombian migrants from San Antonio to…Martha’s Vineyard. Get it? Like where all those liberal elites live? Ivy League clown DeSantis is so HA HA!! He even said they hit the jackpot!
Meanwhile many of the migrants say that they weren’t even told where they were going when they were given a taxpayer-funded one-way ticket on Air DeSantis. DeSantis said they totally knew and were given maps to their final destination so, really, what are they bitching about. Who needs asylum when you have a map of a place you’ve never heard of before?
When he’s not playing politics with innocent people, he enjoys playing politics with innocent people. This year DeSantis threatened Special Olympics International with a $28 million fine if they mandated vaccines for their athletes. They eventually acquiesced so their Olympic athletes who’ve trained for years could realize their dreams and compete.
But we can’t possibly talk about DeSantis without talking about his bizarre obsession with “woke.” He signed something called the “Stop W.O.K.E. Act,” which stands for “Stop the Wrongs to Our Kids and Employees.” That is the worst. Who comes up with these acronyms? How about “Stop the Wrongs blah blah blah vote for me.” Apparently this particular piece of legislation is to counter the teachings of critical race theory, medical science, American history, home ec and any type of sex ed. (I’m kidding. They’re totally for home ec.)
The best part of this is a new phenomenon known as “woke math.” Woke math can’t be any worse than being taught geometry by our high school football coach. But it’s much more sinister than that. So sinister that math books have been ripped out of the classrooms leaving children to work out fractions on their hands. Listen, I tried to research woke math on Google because I couldn’t locate my vintage Encyclopaedia Britannica set which took up half our living room when I was growing up. But I got nothing.
My friends and yours, Moms for Liberty, are huge backers of DeSantis. At a national summit they presented him with a ROMAN-INSPIRED SWORD. Because it’s “what the gladiators were awarded after they had fought a long hard battle for freedom.” That is vomit-inducing. Look for his next campaign ad, “Gladiator,” where he plays Russell Crowe if Russell Crowe were an ordinary looking Florida governor.