Pump Up the Pam
The Epstein Files, naming names & the smugly fugly attorney general.
Has anyone read any good files lately? (Emoji of blond girl raising hand.)
Good GOD, people. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more vomit-inducing, the Justice Department has dropped hundreds of thousands of millions of trillions more documents from the Epstein files, assuming that the American public will be so overwhelmed by the every-other-word redactions that they won’t have time to look at them.
Well, joke’s on them because I HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD. My family hardly notices the shed I built out back, plastered with documents held together by thumbtacks and string to connect the dots and reveal any underlying code.
Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick’s name is all over the files, including as a guest on one of Epstein’s private islands (think “White Lotus” meets “Silence of the Lambs”) after Epstein was already a convicted sex offender. But he’s safe, mostly because no one in the White House thinks being a pedophile is an automatic disqualification for serving in the Cabinet.
When asked about Epstein, Lutnick said that he had sifted through the documents for his name when they were released, “just like everybody else.” Really? Because that’s definitely not the first thing I did. I just contacted all the boys who were mean to me in high school and told them I saw them in the files. (As you can imagine, it took an extremely long time.)
I tried to watch Pam Bondi’s testimony to Congress yesterday but the woman is eminently unwatchable. She’s basically every overprivileged gum-smacking beer-guzzling keg-stand-performing frat-hopping sorority girl who rolls her eyes and hurls insults in a dog whistle pitch instead of displaying something that at least approximates normal human behavior.
During the hearing, the attorney general called ranking member Jamie Raskin a “washed-up loser lawyer” and Rep. Thomas Massie a “failed politician” suffering from “Trump derangement syndrome.” Girl.
She accused Rep. Zoe Lofgren of attacking “the greatest president in American history,” and called Rep. Ted Lieu’s question of whether Trump had ever attended a party with underage girls “ridiculous,” saying that he was trying to “deflect from all the great things Donald Trump has done.” Like attending parties with underage girls.
Rep. Hank Johnson accused Bondi of doing a “Jekyll and Hyde kind of routine around here,” which even I admit is unfair. There was zero appearance of Dr. Jekyll. Just his murderous alter ego Mr. Hyde. Except way worse.
When Rep. Dan Goldman was questioning her, Bondi responded, “You’re about as good of a lawyer today as you were when you tried to impeach President Trump in 2016.”
Now there’s a sick burn. Just rolls right off the tongue.
One of the most viral moments was when Bondi attacked Rep. Becca Balint out of nowhere for voting against some unnamed resolution involving antisemitism. Balint is Jewish and the granddaughter of a Holocaust victim. A visibly emotional Balint then left the hearing, forfeiting the title of Queen Bitch to Bondi. (She can add it to her sizable collection.)
Rep. Jared Moskowitz hauled in a Bible and the complete “Harry Potter” series, as is common in any congressional hearing, to prove the point that Trump’s name appears in the Epstein files more than God’s name does in the Bible and more than Harry Potter’s name in the series.
Incidentally, Trump’s name is mentioned in the files 38,000 (THIRTY-EIGHT THOUSAND) times and counting. That’s also more than Owen Meany’s name appears in “A Prayer for Owen Meany,” and his name is in the title.
“Every American should be forced to live outside the United States for a year or two. Americans should be forced to see how ridiculous they appear to the rest of the world! They should listen to someone else’s version of themselves—to anyone else’s version! Every country knows more about America than Americans know about themselves! And Americans know absolutely nothing about any other country!”
—A Prayer for Donald Trump
I heard a commentator refer to the AG as a “skank”— such a lovely word, not heard frequently anymore, but one that I think should rightfully be resurrected for the lovely Ms. Bondi.
A review well deserved.