Pope, There It Is

Pope Benedict, spare keys to heaven & dad jokes.

Pope Benedict XVI died over the weekend following the Vatican’s announcement that his health was suffering due to his “advancing age.” The man was 95. Hardly a shock unless you’re under the impression that most popes live until they’re at least 110. Like wealthy relatives with no named benefactors and Supreme Court justices.

Benedict was known as an intellectual conservative who championed traditionalist Catholicism (see: Mel Gibson) and strict church doctrine (see: Mel Gibson), which would be fine if he had done anything constructive to address the widespread and pervasive sex abuse scandals. So, you know, not the greatest obituary. Especially in the NYT write-up, which referred to him as an “uncharismatic intellectual” and “bookish.” Cancel culture!

But really his obit had been drafted back in 2013, when Benedict nee Ratzinger became the first pope in 600 years to resign from the papacy. Who does that? Where do you go after serving as the rightful successor to St. Peter and keeper of the Keys to Heaven? Starbucks barista? Etsy craft artist?

Benedict became pope following the death of John Paul II. You do not want to be elected pope after John Paul II. He was so beloved that my parents took us to the parade in DC to see him ride by for 1.5 seconds in the popemobile while I waved and hoped he would turn to me and say, blessed child, you will do great things. Apparently some Catholic was so inspired that they wrote a joke about it. My father loved telling it to anyone who considered pope jokes the highest form of humor:

The pope was visiting the nation’s capital and walking in the parade, shaking hands and blessing people. A very wealthy man, dressed in an expensive suit and tie, was excitedly waiting with everyone else. The pope walked right past him. The man saw him instead approach a poor homeless guy dressed in rags. The pope pulled him close, whispered something in his ear, made the sign of the cross on his forehead, and moved on.

The rich man watched all this with bewilderment. He ran up to the homeless person and asked him to trade clothes with him. Then the man, dressed in rags, ran up ahead of where the pope was walking. Seeing him, the pope walked up to him and, with a tender embrace, whispered, “I thought I told you to get the hell out of here.” OH MY GOD. My father actually said ‘hell’ in a house where we couldn’t even say ‘cripes.’ (Sounded too much like Christ.)

Now we all know that Benedict was succeeded by the “People’s Pope,” the Jesuit Pope Francis. Unlike John Paul II, Benedict was not a tough act to follow. Francis just had to look and act human.

If you are one of those unfortunate non-Catholics, you’re probably not aware of the hierarchy of the church. However, in case the Holy See invades, which is a distinct possibility, you should know who wields the most power to avoid eternal damnation.

1. Pope

2. Cardinals

3. Archbishops

4. Bishops

5. Pawns

6. Rooks

7. Priests

8. Deacons

The head of our parish in McLean was Monsignor Mahler. Because of his self-aggrandizement and first dibs of post-mass Krispy Kreme donuts, I grew up thinking “Monsignor” fell somewhere between “Pope” and “E.T.” It turns out it’s just some honorary title. However, the monsignor took this honorary title quite seriously.

Sometimes during mass, families would try to leave church early instead of staying for the entire service and he would proclaim in a booming voice, JUDAS WAS THE FIRST TO LEAVE. Then he would point at the offending family so the rest of the congregation would know who to stone.

But, in the end, all roads lead to Rome. In fact, I’ve been wearing my “Take Me Down to Vatican City” vintage t-shirt to commemorate the flawed-yet-still-ticking papacy.