Oops He Did it Again
Perry for President, electric cars & Vanilla Ice
This morning I was on my way to dropping my daughter off at school and what I mean by “on my way” is “in my driveway having a panic attack.” I bought an electric car over the weekend and, no, not a Tesla, a Hyundai. Made in Korea. I’d rather support communism than Elon Musk.
My car was plugged into an outlet in our garage, which may or may not be sucking up all the energy from the state grid. When I tried to unplug it, it was stuck. I tried again. Stuck. My daughter was clearly concerned about being late to school while she played Roblox on her tablet.
Luckily my nextdoor neighbor, who also has an electric car, was walking out of his house so I screamed HELP ME MY CAR IS BROKEN. And he came over and pulled out the charger. So I looked at him like, why are you still standing here? You’re not stronger, you’re just smarter. Best insult of the day.
All this to say, remember when Texas Governor Always & Forever Rick Perry served in Trump’s cabinet as the U.S. Secretary of Energy, even though at one point he wanted to abolish the Department of Energy because he couldn’t recall its name? Well, he’s back. Ish.
In an interview Sunday with Jim Acosta, the only person still at CNN, Perry hinted that he may launch another presidential campaign. When I saw that, I immediately checked the year to make sure I hadn’t traveled back in a time machine from a DeLorean powered by plutonium, stolen from Libyan terrorists.
Grabbing my phone and spilling my third latte, I checked the year. It is indeed 2023. Good God. However, at 73, Perry’s pretty much a spring chicken.
The Texas governor played it coy when asked if he would support Trump. Then he played it even coyer when asked about a third presidential run, saying that it’s certainly something he hasn’t taken off the table but the chances are slim.
SO YOU’RE SAYING THERE’S A CHANCE.
However, aside from his usual shortcomings, of which there are many, Perry has an incriminating text to deal with. In the House Select Committee’s investigation on the January 6th attack on the Capitol, he was identified as the author of a text sent to Mark Meadows the day after the election.
It advocated an “AGRESSIVE (sic) STRATEGY” to undermine the election and deliver state electors from Georgia, North Carolina and Pennsylvania. Preferably tarred and feathered.
First of all, seriously? He can’t spell aggressive? He was a YELL LEADER (code for male cheerleader) at A&M, for God’s sake.
B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E.
Second, “BS”? That’s so lame. He should’ve written Adios, Mofo.
And third, the cell phone number for the text in question appears to have been registered by…James Richard Perry of Texas. You absolute moron.
In case Perry’s forgotten, presidential campaigns can be brutal. Your diet consists of county fair corndogs and church potato salad. People question the name of your family’s West Texas hunting camp. (Don’t ask.)
You’re expected to know off the top of your head what century the American Revolution took place and whether you were drunk/suffering from a scorching case of sleep apnea at a debate. What about Coyotegate? Galileo’s role in climate change? Why you almost flunked out of college and got a D in Shakespeare?
Why was your book “Fed Up” never made into a TV series on the Hallmark channel? Why couldn’t you make it rain? What possessed you to appear on Dancing With the Stars? Did you really think you could beat out Vanilla Ice and Marilu Henner performing the Paso Doble?!
You might be wondering how I remember all this. It’s because I printed out all 2,000 pages of my blog archives and pasted them on the walls in our old shed in the backyard. By category. For posterity.
I hope you printed the comments, too. I have some absolute zingers in there and by zingers I mean I would receive zero likes if ITPT were social media in 2023.