One Flew Over the CPAC Nest

The final battle and the fungal infection.

In 2016, I declared: I am your voice. Today, I add: I am your warrior. I am your justice. And for those who have been wronged and betrayed: I am your retribution.

Who said it?

a) Moses

b) Elon Musk

c) The Mandalorian

d) Brendan Fraser in “The Whale”

YOU SHOULD’VE SAID NONE OF THE ABOVE. Because of course it was our former/current/next president, Trump.

Trump was, not surprisingly, the keynote speaker at CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference or Counter Productive Ass Circuit) which left little doubt that this is a party in need of a new leader. Like, say, Kevin McCarthy or Kirk Cameron. Right now it looks like the torch may be eventually passed to smarmy failed Olive Garden waiter, Ron DeSantis.

In his speech, Trump claimed that he and his Ultra MAGA minions are “engaged in an epic struggle to rescue our country from the people who hate it and want to absolutely destroy it. We are going to finish what we started. We started something that was a miracle. We’re going to complete the mission, we’re going to see this battle through to ultimate victory.

“We have no choice. This is the final battle.”

Oh good GOD, man. These sound like the rantings of a lunatic whose brainwashed cult followers will do whatever he says, like storming the Capitol in an attempt to overturn democracy while snapping selfies which would later lead to their arrest. Because they’re just. that. stupid.

I think it’s pretty obvious that the once semi-moderate Republican party has been overtaken by some type of deadly global fungal infection which turns its hosts into mind-controlled zombies. Let’s just say I’ll never look at chicken marsala the same way again.

There is no cure for this relentless virus so it’s time to prepare yourself for “the final battle.” I hope you know how to shoot a gun and skin a squirrel.

Ed. note: I’ll be out of town for spring break and will return, hopefully in one piece, from an ill-advised ski trip for a middle-aged woman whose ability to ski the bunny slopes is already badly compromised. Save yourselves.