No, I'll Help *You* Pack

Borders, plagues & giant inflatable IUDs.

Yesterday I spotted a car with an American flag bumper sticker, the one that says, If this flag offends you, I’ll help you pack! The driver looked like he’d seen better days and I’m all, dude. I just got out of my weekly kettlebell class. I will WASTE you.

And honestly, the flag only offends me if it’s hung upside down outside a Supreme Court justice’s house. That, and when it’s wrapped around Kid Rock’s dad bod.

A lot has been going on this week, from the trial of the century (Hunter Biden) to President Biden’s surprise crackdown on immigration. I would say it’s all for political reasons but it’s also for political reasons.

Biden issued an executive order preventing migrants from seeking asylum at the border. What is he doing? Why is he on the side of Donald Trump? I mean, it’s not like voters have expressed any real concerns about the border. Not compared to the price of eggs these days.

I’m sure by now Americans realize that we share this planet with everyone and we need to treat each other as fellow human beings before God’s like, I’m done with these assholes. Should I go with flood, frogs or locusts?

Death by amphibians. Embarrassing way to go out.

While we’re on the subject of biblical plagues, the Texas Education Agency, which actually cares nothing about education, released its proposed elementary school curriculum that includes teaching Christianity. Sure, these may be public schools following that bogus church-state separation but without Christian teachings, they’re basically child boot camps for hell.

However, if school districts agree to follow TEA’s curriculum, they could receive an additional $60 per student in state funding. Seeing that public school districts currently receive roughly $0 per student, I could see that being a deciding factor.

Really what we should be teaching in schools is contraception. But that would gross. Plus, a complete waste of time since Congress and the Supreme Court (not to mention parents who can’t wait to be grandparents) will soon ban contraception.

Yay! A world with even more babies! I’m never getting on another airplane again. Anyway if Republicans think that voters will get on board with this, just think of the IVF debacle.

Before the Senate vote, Americans for Contraception set up a 20-foot, inflatable IUD a few blocks from the Capitol. That’s horrifying. Where do you even buy something like that? Etsy?

Worst balloon animal ever.

When I was growing up, there was a huge Irish Catholic family in my neighborhood with like 22 kids (clearly adhering to papal no birth control guidelines). It was great for playing Capture the Flag, not so great for Mrs. Daschbach.