No Country for Old Men

On Biden, Trump & Bruce Springsteen.

The EXPLOSIVE new book on Biden and his disastrous run for a second term, “Original Sin,” is currently sitting stagnant in my Amazon cart, sandwiched between an age-appropriate one-piece Lands’ End swimsuit (in two colors) and my Killin’ It! vintage tee.

Yes, I’m still a Prime member. I feel bad about myself every single day but just can’t give up the savings, convenience, guaranteed 2-day delivery and incredibly wasteful packaging.

The book was written by Jake Tapper and some other guy and details how Biden’s most loyal entourage — Jill, Anita Dunn, Ron Klein, Turtle — covered up his severe cognitive decline and basically cost us the White House. Special shout-out to Jake Tapper for sitting on this crucial information like a real journalist’s journalist.

But now I can’t bring myself to buy it, much less read it. With the announcement that Biden has been diagnosed with Stage 4 prostate cancer, which has metastasized to the bone, I froze. I realize everyone loves a warrior. Everyone wants to see someone beat the odds. But this is an 82-year-old man with advanced cancer. And that sucks.

Of course, everyone has a theory about the timing of his cancer, especially those completely outside of the medical field. Look, I was an English major with a minor in podiatry but not even I can tell you whether Biden’s lying about his condition.

Then there’s this insightful tweet from Donald Trump, Jr.: “What I want to know is how did Dr. Jill Biden miss stage five metastatic cancer or is this yet another coverup??” First of all, Jill Biden isn’t a medical doctor, she has a doctorate in education. Most professional educators aren’t oncologists on the side. Second, there is no stage 5 cancer. It’s capped at 4. Proving once again that you’re a stage 5 moron.

The fact that Biden has cancer doesn’t absolve him of his recklessness. I’m angry at Biden for basically the same reason that I’m still angry at Ruth Bader Ginsburg. They both held on too long, convinced that they alone could get the job done, to the ultimate detriment of the country. I mean, seriously. Thanks for the Supreme Court, RBG. Now what am I supposed to do with your whimsical bobblehead?

I get it. No one wants to admit that it’s over and that your time has come (Dianne Feinstein, Mitch McConnell, Bernie Sanders, Ronald Reagan, Clarence Thomas, Sam Alito, Rocky). Our egos get in the way. Why do you think I keep writing this newsletter? Because I know that the relatives who read it couldn’t live without it and/or they’d feel bad about unsubscribing.

Here’s the thing. No one under the age of 35 can be president but we’re apparently OK with placing the country in the shaky hands of septuagenarians. Speaking of withholding medical conditions, it couldn’t be more obvious that Trump is in the throes of cognitive decline paired with clinical psychosis.

Yesterday in the Oval Office he accused the South African president of sanctioning white genocide. And then JD Vance came out of nowhere to scream at him for not saying thank you.

Meanwhile Bruce Springsteen (75 years young!) was in the news last week because of anti-Trump comments he made during a concert in London. This is the most legendary musician on earth, outside of Yo-Yo Ma. Here’s how The Boss introduced his song, “My City of Ruins”:

The America I love is currently in the hands of a corrupt, incompetent and treasonous administration.

They’re rolling back historic civil rights legislation that has led to a more just and plural society. They’re abandoning our great allies and siding with dictators against those struggling for their freedom. They’re defunding American universities that won’t bow down to their ideological demands.

A majority of our elected representatives have failed to protect the American people from the abuses of an unfit president and a rogue government. They have no concern or idea for what it means to be deeply American.

Naturally, having nothing else to do but supposedly run the country, the president wasn’t going to let this go down without a fight: “This dried out ‘prune’ of a rocker (his skin is all atrophied!) ought to KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT until he gets back into the Country, that’s just ‘standard fare.’ Then we’ll all see how it goes for him!”

What is he even talking about? Like once he gets back to the Country (initial capped for no reason), we’re going to shoot him? Trump added that he will call for a “major investigation” into Springsteen. Is there any bait that Trump doesn’t take?

I’ve seen Bruce in concert three times. I would say I’m his biggest fan but there are some real psychopaths out there. After suffering through the entire Hunger Games trilogy in book club, I made my friends read his autobiography, “Born to Run.” I was totally excited for an in-depth discussion but they all just drank more than usual and didn’t even pretend to have read it. The group has since disbanded.

So my carefully curated Bruce Springsteen: Book Club Edition playlist went to complete waste. It kicked off with a live version of “Born in the U.S.A” and closed with the classic “Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out.”

This is no dried out prune of a rocker.

All this to say, the next president I vote for will be under 60. Call me an ageist. I’ve been called worse.