Mic Dropped

Galas, godliness, gotcha journalism & Germans.

I have to be honest. As a precautionary measure, I record most of my conversations by wiring myself up and asking my husband to monitor me from an unmarked van but apparently he thinks that’s “weird.”

But that didn’t stop an intrepid undercover documentarian from secretly recording Justice and Mrs. Alito at a Supreme Court Historical Society gala. Are you kidding me? They have a gala? Is that where they go to celebrate stripping away human rights? Barkeep! Another round on the Chief Justice!

The documentarian in question, Lauren Windsor, was posing as a Catholic conservative at the black-tie event. Please. I have an entire CLOSET for that. Most of what I wear is black and dowdy. I can even throw on a tasteful wooden crucifix at a moment’s notice.

(Incidentally when I was in journalism school, we would never have considered using such an unethical practice as secretly recording someone. Instead we intimidated sources by picturing them naked.)

At the gala, Windsor approached Alito, easily spotted by his upside-down flag pin, and struck up a conversation, bypassing the usual niceties to ask him how the nation can return to a place of godliness.

Yeah, that’s normal. I don’t attend many fancy galas but I think I’d start with, “Hello. My name is Eileen Smith and this wine glass isn’t going to fill itself.”

I mean, seriously? The next time some stranger asks me what seems like a leading question, I’m patting them down. I’m no sucker.

Alito responded that although there can be a way for liberals and conservatives to work and live together peacefully, it’s difficult when one side is made up entirely of unrepentant lizard sinners who will burn in the fires of hell for all eternity.

Windsor continued to push him by saying that people who believe in God need to keep fighting in order to return the country back to godliness. To which Alito responded, “I agree with you, I agree with you.” What kind of idiot takes the bait not once but twice? Not even Kavanaugh’s that stupid.

But Windsor didn’t stop there. She just had to go after poor misunderstood Martha-Ann Alito of Flag-gate fame. Martha-Ann looks like that strict grandmother who only gives you knit sweaters on Christmas and makes you eat her cream-of-mushroom casseroles.

The only reason the grandkids stay in touch with her is because of the will. But when the old crow finally drops at 114 years old, she’s gone through all her money building up her Precious Moments figurine collection.

The key to your inheritance is in the hands of Mr. and Mrs. Hummel.

Martha-Ann told Windsor that she wanted to hang a Sacred Heart of Jesus flag in response to those Pride flags everywhere but her husband asked her not to. Wasn’t the January 6th one enough?

She agreed “for now” but said that she just may design her own flag.

“Look at me, look at me,” Martha-Ann said. “I’m German, from Germany. My heritage is German. You come after me, I’m going to give it back to you.”

What is she even talking about? Although it’s good to know that she’s proud of her sturdy German ancestors. I’m also proud of my Irish heritage. You come after me, I’m going to pelt you with raw potatoes. And I’ll be drunk, which improves my aim.