Let's Talk About Age (Baby)

The governor, his youth, his family & poop.

I don’t think that much about age because it’s just a number. That’s why when I go to Central Market and buy wine and the guy at the cashier smirks and is like, Are you over 30?, I just smile. And then he plugs in 00-00-0000 for the date instead of bothering with an actual birthday. Because that’s fun. Especially when I smash the bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and watch the glass shards fly and yell CLEAN UP ON AISLE ASSHOLE.

Now we all know Joe Biden is, well, old as dirt. But he’s our dirt. And Ron DeSantis is running around with his young family desperately trying to make the point that he’s young and fit while Joe’s old and falling off tricycles.

Ron has three young children named Madison, Mason and Mamie. I will not be saying anything about those names because I may insult people with the actual names of Madison, Mason or Mamie. OK, fine. Mamie? As in, Mame’s daughter? As in, she gives your old mint julep a kick? (The “Mame” soundtrack was just one of the albums I grew up with. That and the entire Herb Alpert collection.)

This may or may not be Ron DeSantis and his wife. (Not pictured: Mamie)

A profile in the Sunday NY Times portrays DeSantis as someone who wants to remind voters that, unlike the other candidates, he is not yet a great-great-grandfather. In fact, he’s only 44, which means I’m (SLIGHTLY) older than him. This is incredibly upsetting to me given that I avoid younger adults at all times. I find them insufferable.

(When I was a little girl I would ask my mother how old she was and she would always answer, “Old enough.” What does that even mean? Old enough for what? Old enough to start teaching your children that lying is OK?)

The first lady outfitted in gilded gold living room curtains.

Perhaps I’m just jealous that DeSantis’s kids were baptized with water from the Sea of Galilee in Israel and I was just brought to the neighborhood church and, being the youngest of three girls, wearing a USED baptismal gown. I’m also fairly certain the holy sacrament was performed with tap water. Explains so much.

Anyway if DeSantis was truly a family man, would he try and shutter the Magic Kingdom? Of course he would. He was anti-woke before anti-woke was a thing. In fact, his wife sports a “Where Woke Goes to Die” leather jacket on the campaign trail. This is slightly different from my signature campaign canvas jacket which says, “Your Husband Sucks.”

But it’s not like he hasn’t done anything for young families. The state budget contains a tax break on…diapers.

“I came home, and my wife’s like, ‘Why didn’t you do that in 2019 when our kids were still in diapers?’” HA HA HA. Probably because Ron has never changed a diaper in his entire life, not that I blame him. They’re gross, smelly, and reek of critical race theory.

I remember having a diaper genie next to my daughter’s changing table where you put the diapers in and eventually take out the disgusting dirty diapers all wrapped up in blue plastic. You know it’s ready to take out because you can no longer shove one more poopy diaper down there. It’s one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever done.

And are we seriously expected to believe that the first lady of Florida didn’t use cloth diapers which she then handed to the nanny for immediate disposal? Rephrase. Are we seriously expected to believe that the first lady of Florida ever touched a diaper?

Even Mamie’s.