Let No Senator Tear Asunder

Gay marriage, inequality and buttercream.

This week the Senate passed the bipartisan same-sex marriage bill (including 12 Republicans who will now be crushed in their next primaries!) mandating federal recognition of gay marriage. As you can imagine, most Republicans voted against the bill because of the pressure on hometown bakeries to make wedding cakes for gay couples instead of their standard “One Man, One Woman” tiered vanilla cake with heterosexual buttercream icing.

Guess how John Cornyn and Ted Cruz voted? You could say they voted for equality, expanding the definition of marriage as not just between a man and a woman but also between a woman and a man. Anyway everyone knows that marriage is strictly for straight people, although the Vatican is now allowing gays to sing in the choir.

After the vote, Cruz tweeted that “not only does the so-called Respect for Marriage Act open the door for a weaponized IRS to target religious non-profits, but it will start a race to the bottom, forcing the most extreme marriage laws from any state onto every other state.”

(A weaponized IRS? Am I supposed to know what that means? Because the IRS is scary enough without thinking about them going through your obviously fake tax returns while wielding a butterfly knife.)

But don’t worry. He went even further. He introduced an emergency amendment to protect against the inevitable scourge of “child marriages, polygamous marriages and incest.” Dude. You basically just described the Church of Latter-Day Saints. Unfortunately he left out “beastiality” so I guess he’s OK with selective cattle intimacy.

The bill also affords protections for interracial marriages like, say, Cruz’s. I myself am married to a Salvadoran because he needed a visa and I needed a boyfriend.

I’d like to point out that it’s completely legal for convicted murderers to get married. Most likely to one of those crazy women who falls in love with men behind bars after sending them a few poorly written letters on perfumed paper. At least that man can’t leave them like every other one has. But apparently same-sex marriage should not be afforded those same privileges even if they’re both serial killers. Where’s the logic in that?