When Joe Biden announced his early retirement almost two weeks ago, I immediately started working the phones to try and secure enough delegates to make it to the convention. Unfortunately, Kamala had me beat. And everyone else, I might add.
Now she just needs to announce her VP. My money’s on Mark Kelly. He’s an ASTRONAUT. Can you imagine J.D. Vance debating an ASTRONAUT? He still believes the moon landing was fake.
Finally, the party is excited about their nominee after months of feeling like the walking dead. I’m not saying I didn’t support Biden. I’m just saying that I had already enrolled in the witness protection program in anticipation of a Trump landslide. My name is Vilhelmina, I’m a toll booth operator and I host the occasional poetry slam.
But now there’s Kamala, who could become the first woman president. Especially with that childless cat lady voting bloc. Personally I’m not sure which is more pitiful. Not having children or having cats.
Be careful not to confuse these liberal childless cat lady Democrats with the quilted cat-vest Republican lady. You know the type. That American flag-bedazzled Meemaw who talks about storming the Capitol despite her urinary incontinence and gnarled fingers from decades of scrapbooking.
That lady.
Are you kidding me with that delightful childless cat lady anecdote? J.D. Vance is like the gift that keeps on giving. He should be packaged up and sold on Etsy. Adorable.
And then there’s Vance’s running mate, who appeared before the National Association of Black Journalists this week so he could call the moderators “nasty” and tell the group that he was “the best president for the Black population” since Abraham Lincoln. I mean, really. How much did the Emancipation Proclamation actually change anything for anyone? Total bust.
The highlight of the meeting, of course, was when Trump accused Kamala of not really being Black. (Incidentally, Kamala’s mother was Indian American and her father is Black.)
“I’ve known her a long time indirectly, not directly very much, and she was always of Indian heritage. I didn’t know she was Black until a number of years ago when she happened to turn Black. Now she wants to be known as Black. So I don’t know — is she Indian or is she Black?”
It’s true. A number of years ago, she happened to turn Black. Kind of like C. Thomas Howell in that 80s classic, “Soul Man.” (On behalf of Gen X, I am truly sorry for that one.)
How is anyone unable to process someone’s racial identity? Whether Trump’s a total sociopath or a total psychopath is unclear. I’ve never been able to differentiate between the two, despite consulting my signed copy of DSM-V, so I’ll just give him both.
Earlier this week, Kamala dropped the BOMB-ala© on Trump at a rally in Atlanta, challenging him to debate her:
“As the saying goes, if you got something to say, say it to my face.”
Sickest burn ever. But it doesn’t always work. I said that exact same thing to a boy in high school and he responded, Fine. I’m not taking you to prom.
You’re on fire now!
Lol @ ©.