Just Like a Prayer

You come at the Archbishop, you best not miss.

My apologies for the delayed newsletter. I was snowed in.

You know that old adage about how there aren’t any atheists when the plane’s going down? When I travel, I can never get that out of my head because, although I’m not an atheist, I am a somewhat lapsed Catholic and maybe that’s even worse than an atheist. I kid. Nothing’s worse than an atheist.

But let’s face it. In times like these, there are worse things to do than pray. And drink. Pray and drink. Especially when we, the faithful, have been instructed to do so by Archbishop Paul Coakley, the head of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. Coakley has called for a Holy Hour for peace to “renew our hearts and nation.” Dude. I’m pretty sure we’ll need more than one hour.

To burnish his credentials even further, Coakley is one of the Knights of Columbus, a Catholic fraternal order. I’m pretty sure they’re the ones in all the parades driving mini cars and wearing red fez hats.

“The current climate of fear and polarization, which thrives when human dignity is disregarded, does not meet the standard set by Christ in the Gospel,” he said.

Not meet the standard set by Christ? We are so beyond that. We’re in, like, Sodom and Gomorrah territory here. Actually, throw in the Great Flood of Noah while we’re at it. If not for that damn flood, we’d all have pet unicorns.

Actual footage.

The problem is, I can’t find any specifics concerning the scheduling of this Holy Hour. Are we supposed to pray over Zoom while auto-muted at some indeterminate time? Watch for the white smoke to come out of the Vatican? Or is this something we’re expected to do on our own? Because there’s no way I can pray for a solid hour. I can’t do anything for a solid hour, even yoga. I typically roll up my mat and leave 15 minutes before it ends, making as much noise as possible on my way out.

However you choose to celebrate Holy Hour, make sure you don’t pray the rosary backward by mistake (the Our Father comes first, dummy). I did that once in Catholic school and Sister Mary von Trapp told me I was going to purgatory for 5,000 years. I was 6.

Does anyone blame Pope Leo for leaving this one to the bishops? I wouldn’t want to be the second papal victim of JD Vance either. Speaking of Vance, he and his wife are expecting Baby #4. I’m praying, for the good of this country, that they used a sperm donor.

Amen.