Joe Versus the Volcano

Stars and stripes and Trump forever.

I’m still in Colorado (humble brag) and I can’t say I miss the 110-degree weather in Austin. There’s just something about walking outside here and feeling the brisk air instead of the oppressive heat that encircles you until you burst into flames, sacrificing yourself on the altar of climate change. On my last hike, I was able to beckon the birds with my bird calls app until they lined up on my arms, proclaiming me their leader.

Considering the way things are going, I’m seriously thinking of staying in the forest and making a life for myself and my family here, amidst the pines and edible chipmunks. I’ve even started practicing how to whittle branches into weapons I can use against President Trump’s roving true patriot militias.

Like you, I’m quite concerned about this election. Many Democratic insiders and donors and politicos and the traitorous NYT Editorial Board have called for Joe Biden to step aside. Plus, Lloyd Doggett. As far as I know, every Austinite wants Doggett to retire. At least that’s what I see on Cherrywood neighbor net. And those people are solid.

Unlike every bloated pundit out there, I don’t have a solution. Should Joe stay? Should he go? Should we pull a Hunger Games at the Democratic convention to see who could be a viable candidate? I hope Gretchen Whitmer is good with a bow and arrow.

Gretchen Whitmer versus Gavin Newsome. No contest.

In a way, I feel for Uncle Joe. Everyone wants to go out on top. As someone who typically goes out on the bottom or, at best, the same, I hear it’s quite empowering.

In a recent column, Charles Blow laid out the potential danger of Biden leaving the race, despite how seemingly compromised he is. He used a phrase from one of the greatest series of all times.

There’s another way that calls for Biden’s withdrawal could backfire on liberals. One of my favorite TV lines comes from Omar on “The Wire,” paraphrasing Emerson: “You come at the king, you best not miss.” A failed attempt to usurp a man in power risks his vengeance.

(Another one of my favorite lines from “The Wire” is, “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.” I often throw out this sentence even if there is zero context because that’s how cool it is.)

He continues:

A free-for-all selection process would be sheer chaos. Factions would fiercely compete, egos would be bruised and convention delegates would select a candidate, effectively bypassing direct participation by Democratic voters.

I, like many others, wish Biden hadn’t sought a second term. I wish that the Democratic nominee was a young visionary with verve. But retrospective wishing is worthless.

Biden is the Democratic candidate. He’s the only person standing between us and Trump’s destructive, retributive impulses and the ever-increasing latitude that the Supreme Court has granted him.

The fact that an 81-year-old is increasingly showing signs of being an 81-year-old doesn’t panic me; what Trump has signaled he’ll do with another term does.

Sound logic, to be sure. But it also seems logical to propose finding a new candidate who has a better chance of beating Trump. And the worst part is, it’s all unknown. Either way we’ll probably look back at this moment in history as the moment that we screwed the pooch. (Trying to bring that back.)

Tonight Biden will give an exclusive interview to George Stephanopoulos and I will give up my Friday plans to tune in. I kid. I never have plans. I don’t blame myself. I blame my lame friends.

I ran into Stephanopoulos at the 2008 convention and he completely ignored me. Was it the shoulder pads? The sensible shoes? The Prince Valiant bob?

I hope Biden runs circles around him. Rephrase. Walks circles.