Jesus Loves Herschel Walker

The Son of Man has spoken through his wayward evangelical flock.

Herschel Walker. Georgia’s Republican candidate for Senate. Running against incumbent Raphael Warnock. Ex-football star. Engages in domestic abuse and forced abortions. Congenital liar. Not sure who or where his children are. Past confrontations with the police. Conspiracy theorist. Claims to be mentally ill but really just a horrible person. Even worse? A total CINO.

Well at least he looks good on paper!

In an interview with Fox News, the vehemently “pro-life” Walker denied the new allegations from an ex-girlfriend that he coerced her into having an abortion. She’s also the mom of one of his many children, or as Walker refers to them, collateral damage. “I was forgiven,” Walker said. “The Lord has forgiven me.”

When reached for comment, The Lord said that He has not, in fact, forgiven him, but is instead saving a space for him in the dedicated evangelical Christian wing of purgatory, where he will spend at least 500 years awaiting expiatory purification.

(Of course I know what purgatory is. I’m Catholic. The nuns described purgatory as where bad kids go, aka students in public school.)

Let’s break down some quotes from Atlanta-area Baptist minister and Walker supporter Anthony George, as laid out in the Politico article.

“The dilemma is, do you wait for a candidate who is perfect? Do you wait for a candidate who perfectly aligns with everything you not only want them to do when they’re elected, but all of your cultural and moral beliefs? Or do you take what’s given to you and make the choice between the options?”

Oh, OK. So Christians can overlook a candidate’s minor transgressions such as coercing an ex-girlfriend to have an abortion and then sending her a truly bizarre get well card. Not to mention pointing a gun at his ex-wife’s head and threatening to blow her brains out. I’d say that’s a little more than an “imperfect candidate” but maybe I’m too judge-y.

In the end, Pastor George says that “Herschel would have to do and say a whole lot for me to not support him over Warnock.” Like what, confessing he’s a cannibalistic serial killer? Would that be enough to support a fellow minister?

Then there’s Ralph Reed, founder of the Faith & Freedom Coalition with an unsettling likeness to that kid in The Sixth Sense. Reed praised Walker for reaching out to the neglected evangelical community, which is OH SO HARD TO FIND while condemning the new abortion allegations as “more than a dozen years old.” And as we all know, if enough time goes by, it never happened.

It pretty much goes without saying that it’s not only evangelicals standing by this diabolical mess of a man, it’s also every single Republican. This situation regarding evangelicals and conservatives embracing a man who stands for everything they claim to be against sounds disturbingly familiar. But as far as I know, Trump never played football.