It's Electric

On electric cars, taxes, highways & Game of Thrones

I bought an electric vehicle a week ago (you’re welcome) and now I’m going to have that insufferable air of superiority around others, first popularized by those wretched I-don’t-drink-coffee-only-tea people. Like, fine! You don’t drink coffee! You think herbal tea is better! I get it! You want some smug with that mug?

The tea drinkers were followed by the insipid TV-bingers whose first question for everyone is, Have you watched The Wire? You haven’t? OMG you have to! Similar show queries included, Are you watching Breaking Bad? and, You haven’t watched Game of Thrones? Like, AT ALL?

I loved The Wire, Breaking Bad was pretty great, but I’ve never seen Game of Thrones OR any of the 37 seasons of Downton Abbey OR Ted Lasso. There. I’ve said it.

And I despise peppermint tea.

Where was I? Ah, yes. Electric cars. From what I can gather, electric car drivers are just as annoying as vegans, as in, I can’t believe you’re still driving that gas guzzler while eating 7-Eleven chicken wings. You are a very bad human.

Speaking of very bad humans, Governor Greg Abbott/Mr. Burns signed legislation to impose a new tax on electric car owners. Of course, this session it’s very difficult to keep track of these smaller bills in the face of his gleeful shredding of human rights.

However, there’s only so much darkness I can take hence, cars.

People registering electric cars will now be required to pay an initial $400 fee, with a recurring $200 annual renewal, on top of standard vehicle registration fees. So here’s my question. I bought my car Hyundai on May 13. He signed the bill into law on…May 13. DOES THIS APPLY TO ME? I’M NO LAWYER ALTHOUGH I TOTALLY COULD HAVE BEEN.

This new revenue—hard-earned money ripped out of the hands of electric car owners trying to do the right thing—will go to the state highway fund and Texas schools. You must be kidding me. I care nothing of highways nor Texas schools. This is an outrage.

This is a TAX. This is evidence that Abbott enjoys taxing the citizens of Texas. Not exactly fiscally responsible, is it? Apparently it’s because electric car drivers don’t fuel up their cars. Which is kind of the point. So because I’m not pumping gas in my Range Rover at the local Chevron while eating Cool Ranch Doritos, I’m being punished?

The electric car fees in Texas are among the highest in the nation and I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the powerful oil and gas industry. And by “pretty sure,” I mean, “without a doubt.” Consumer Reports has called the new law “punitive,” which is now my new cocktail party conversation opener.

I kid. I’m not invited to cocktail parties. For obvious reasons.