It's a Small-Minded World After All

Ron DeSantis vs. the woke Disney princesses.

I remember my first trip to Disney World, especially those adorable Mickey Mouse ears that I still wear on occasion. I also have fond memories of Splash Mountain because I practically died given my freakishly small body and my completely inattentive parents.

Now you probably can’t tell that’s me in the photo above (front row, righthand side, screaming), but that’s my last trip on the flume. And that’s my little nephew next to me who is now looking at colleges. Incidentally I am also looking at colleges. It’s never too late to better yourself.

But back to Disney. Or as Ron DeSantis would call it, Dante’s 10th concentric circle of hell. Last year he decided to give himself absolute power over Disney’s self-governing district and immediately shut down the Main Street Electrical Parade, which clearly celebrates the gays and their overall gayness.

Personally I’d love to know how I can give myself absolute power over neighboring communities so I can attend even more community meetings. Not only are they the ideal setting to air your grievances about your neighbor’s free range chickens, they usually have those Pepperidge Farm cookie tins right next to the nametags.

DeSantis’s hostile takeover of the Magic Kingdom was in direct response to Disney’s opposition to the “Don’t Say Gay” law, aka Parental Rights in Education, aka sexually confused parents with an unhealthy preoccupation with other people’s sex lives.

Now Disney has filed a federal lawsuit alleging that it has been a victim of a “targeted campaign of government retaliation.” That’s rich coming from a woke amusement park employing oversized chipmunks and the entire cast of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (including the always-galling Clarabelle Cow).

Earlier this month, DeSantis said that he was considering imposing taxes on Disney hotels and creating toll roads leading up to the park. He’s also threatening to turn all the lights on in Space Mountain so he can ruin everyone’s fun.

Meanwhile DeSantis’s press secretary has said that Disney’s lawsuit is “an attempt to subvert the will of the people of Florida.” Have you seen the people of Florida? They’re all about Disney. It’s the only reason their grandkids come to visit them. That and the inheritance, which will no doubt consist of Hummel figurines (the rosy-cheeked little boy and girl series) and a lifetime supply of Werther’s candy.