It Takes Balls

Women's soccer, peanut allergies & penalties.

So I just got back from Montana because the beautiful cool weather and breathtaking views had become rather tiresome. On the return flight, they made an announcement saying that one of the passengers had a life-threatening allergy to peanuts and asking people to refrain from eating peanut products.

Naturally everyone started looking around to see if they could pick out the person with the pitifully weak immune system. I looked at the guy in the row next to me and mouthed, It’s you, isn’t it. Since he looked at me like I was crazy, I’m pretty sure I was right.

I’ve got to tell you, if I had a severe peanut allergy, there is no way I would trust my fellow passengers to protect me. Have you seen your fellow passengers lately? They look like they eat Reese’s peanut butter cups for breakfast. Covered in peanut butter.

Meanwhile, ex-president Donald Trump decided to take time from his busy campaign/indictment schedule to… bash the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team as anti-American. This was after we lost to Sweden (Sweden!) in the World Cup on Sunday, partially due to Megan Rapinoe’s missed penalty kick.

Yes, the notoriously un-American Rapinoe apparently destroyed our country with her failed kick. Plus she’s gay. Her gay failed kick.

On whatever Trump’s social platform is now, probably mass fax, he wrote: “Many of our players were openly hostile to America — No other country behaved in such a manner, or even close. WOKE EQUALS FAILURE. Nice shot Megan, the USA is going to Hell!!! MAGA.”

What is he talking about? It’s a penalty kick, not an attack on the U.S. Capitol. Not that women should even be playing professional sports. Neither should kids. But only because their games are so excruciatingly boring to sit through and the juice boxes are non-alcoholic.

This is hardly the first time that Rapinoe has hurt Trump’s delicate feelings. After the women’s soccer team won the World Cup in 2019, she refused to attend the ceremony at the Trump White House. How could anyone be surprised by this decision? It’s like if a total psychopath invited you to his house and you said no because you didn’t want to be killed by a total psychopath and he was all, you hate our country.

Personally if I were Rapinoe I would challenge Trump to a penalty kick shootout. But God knows he’d be too factory-farmed chicken to show up.

I’ve never understood why soccer’s such a big deal anyway. I wasn’t even allowed to try out for the McLean High School soccer team because I had no “talent.” Instead I became a cheerleader and displayed my athletic prowess by fracturing my wrist during an ill-timed basket toss and continuing to perform through the pain.

WHO’S SORRY NOW, MEAN GIRL SOCCER TEAM?