Is this Heaven? No, it's Iowa.

Joni Ernst, healthcare, cemeteries & exorcisms.

Yes, it’s shocking that the two men with the most bloated egos this side of the Milky Way are now sworn enemies and battling in the only way they know how. On social media platforms. However, I had already written this post on serious issues of mortality as it sweeps across Iowa so here we go. — Ed. Note

I hate to break it to you but we’re all going to die one day. And if Sen. Joni Ernst has anything to say about it, the poor — God willing — will be the first to die. You might call that heartless. I call it pragmatic. I mean, we can’t afford to give health insurance to EVERYONE. What is this, Ontario?

Listen, if your kid gets sick, there are plenty of healthy alternatives to taking them to the pediatrician. Like cod liver oil, a scientifically proven cure for measles. Or leeches, conveniently located in freshwater habitats. Or an exorcism available at your local Catholic church, day or night.

A week ago, you probably wouldn’t have been able to pick Joni Ernst out of a crowd. She’s just another middle-aged woman from Iowa with grey hair sculpted into a long bob paired with sensible black-rimmed bifocals and a whimsical gold-plated eagle pin laying what looks like a BB pellet. See? She can be fun!

Joni eats endangered birds for breakfast.

But now she’s made a name for herself. Last week at a town hall, Ernst was confronted by a constituent saying that deep cuts in Medicaid would result in people dying. To which Ernst casually replied, “Well, we are all going to die.”

(Joke’s on you, Joni, because I’m having my body cryogenically frozen after I meet my $40K deductible.)

She followed up with an Instagram video filmed in what looks like either a cemetery or a serial killer’s backyard. I’m not saying Joni’s a serial killer. I’m just saying it’s possible.

“I made an incorrect assumption that everyone in the auditorium understood that, yes, we are all going to perish from this earth. So I apologize, and I’m really, really glad that I did not have to bring up the subject of the tooth fairy as well.” Spoiler.

Ernst concluded by saying, “For those that would like to see eternal and everlasting life, I encourage you to embrace my Lord and savior Jesus Christ.”

Hold up. You just said we’re all going to die and now you’re telling us life is eternal so MAKE UP YOUR MIND JONI.

It’s hard to take someone seriously who regularly uses #MakeEmSqueal as a hashtag. If she’s referring to the many elderly Iowans who rely on Medicaid for nursing homes and Wednesday senior salsa dancing, she’s in some serious trouble. You don’t want to screw with old voters in Iowa. They care about their healthcare almost as much as they care about ethanol.

You might be wondering how I know so much about the Iowan electorate. When I was in grad school, I spent my D.C. quarter as a Washington correspondent for a small newspaper. I was assigned the Waterloo Courier. (Believe me, I was every bit as disappointed as they were.)

There was a conference on aging at the White House and, as a Waterloo Courier emissary, I got to go to the reception. If memory serves, I was wearing a red floral patterned dress from the designer Ann Taylor with black pumps that were better suited for career librarians. And then I saw him at the podium. Bill Clinton.

I snagged a front row seat after throwing elbows at a couple of defenseless elderly ladies and, while I was supposed to be taking shorthand notes to call in to my editor from the pay phone across the street, I just sat there, mesmerized by this master communicator. I snapped a few photos with my Polaroid and shook the instant photos as hard as I could but they came out looking like a faceless blob, too late to have him autograph one.

Remember the Republican party in the Clinton era? You had your Bob Doles, your Ws, your McCains and Romneys. At the time I thought they were awful. But looking back, I’m like, they were AWESOME. Now we’re left with freak shows like Joni Ernst and a cabinet that consists of sexual predators, conspiracy theorists, puppy killers, homophobes and other assorted criminals. And it seems like it’s getting worse.

I sincerely hope I don’t look back in a few years and think, You know, Ted Cruz really wasn’t that bad.