I'm Catholic. What's Your Excuse?

Oklahoma, charter schools & the patron saint of the internet.

When I heard that Oklahoma had approved the first religious charter school in the country, I was appalled. But when I learned it was Catholic, it was like, OK. I’m listening.

As a former Catholic school girl (get in line boys), I felt sorry for the poor kids who had to go to public school because I knew I’d be expected to pray for them one day in purgatory and I was much more interested in my Strawberry Shortcake dolls.

We took religion very seriously in our home. Once I was playing mass in our living room and I was the priest and our cairn terrier was my sole parishoner. My mother caught me and was shocked although I was never sure which she thought was worse. A girl pretending to be a priest or a dog receiving communion.

Which is to say, Catholicism is a confusing faith, and the fact that Oklahoma will be redirecting public education funding to St. Isidore of Seville Catholic Virtual School is, how do I say this, completely and utterly wrong. First, it’s an online school. Secondly it would be run by the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Oklahoma City and the Diocese of Tulsa. No school should be run by the Diocese of Tulsa.

This new charter school is being hailed as a huge win for conservative Evangelicals and you must be joking. Evangelicals think Catholics are going to hell. Why would they want a Catholic charter school? Oklahoma Gov. Kevin Stitt is a PENTECOSTAL. And I put that in ALL CAPS because I know nothing about Pentecostals but they just sound weird.

Back to St. Isidore. I’d never heard of him and I know all the saints. My patron saint is St. Helen and she found a piece of the cross so she’s like the best one. Turns out St. Isidore is the “patron saint of the internet.” I’m going to have to call some serious Catholic bullshit on that one. He was alive in the 500s. Ancient scrolls don’t qualify.

Saint Isidore waiting on his dial-up internet

According to the Slaves of the Immaculate Heart of Mary (I’ll pass), you’re supposed to say this solemn prayer before going online:

Through the intercession of Saint Isidore, during our journeys through the internet we will direct our hands and eyes only to that which is pleasing to Thee and treat with charity and patience all those souls whom we encounter.

This incantation is very different from my usual plea that I’ll be able to soak up my neighbor’s wifi without standing in their frontyard. Perhaps if I throw in a Saint Isidore or two, it’ll pack more punch.