If at First You Don't Secede, Try, Try Again

Which side of the country are you on?

I was in Florida over the weekend visiting family and one of the things I do on a plane to entertain myself (aside from asking if it’s OK to smoke as long as I disable the smoke detector in the lavatory) is observe my fellow passengers and try to guess who’s a Trumper. Now, to be honest, it’s pretty easy. Especially if they’re wearing a MAGA hat paired with an “I’m with Stupid” tank. When I get stuck, I assume the person’s an Independent (i.e. election spoiler) or a non-voter (i.e. election spoiler).

So when a walking, talking malignancy like Marjorie Taylor Greene throws out an idea like “secession,” I’m like, I’ll pack your bags. Are you kidding me? This is a dream come true. Them on one side, us on the other. We get California, they get Alabama; we get Hakeem Jeffries, they get Kevin McCarthy; we get George Clooney, they get Chachi.

But then the idealist in me rears its ugly head. I’m pretty sure our founding fathers didn’t envision a country hacked in two. They created the Constitution because the union between the states was in upheaval and, despite their best efforts, Twitter had become a veritable cesspool. The goal was to create a new national government that could unite the states. (Footnote: I conducted my research on the official Mount Vernon website plus I’ve been to Mount Vernon and it was the most boring field trip of my life.)

We are either a United people, or we are not. If the former, let us, in all matters of general concern act as a nation, which have national objects to promote, and a National character to support. If we are not, let us no longer act a farce by pretending to it.

Which brings us back to MTG. Last week she took to Twitter to once again say something CRAZY so she gets everyone’s ATTENTION and SHE DID and I am GUILTY AS CHARGED.

What exactly is a “national divorce”? Did these United States get married and then cite irreconcilable differences after all this time? Did the Dakotas finally cheat on each other, as we have long suspected? Or did that smarmy New Hampshire stop paying Rhode Island alimony?

We’re not supposed to throw our hands up and file for divorce, as MTG did to her relieved long-suffering husband. We’re supposed to work out our differences. We’re supposed to, in the immortal words of Al Green, stay together.

Anyway, separating the red states from the blue states will be extremely difficult, if not impossible. What about the purple states? And what about the blue cities in a red state? (Such as, let’s say, Austin.) We may have to eventually separate neighborhood from neighborhood, each governed by that weird retiree who drops off the Neighborhood Gazette every other week.

Marge adds that “everyone I talk to says this.” Who is this woman talking to? That’s like me saying “everyone I talk to says this.” Meaning my dog and Netflix.

The United States needs to stick together, if only for the children. How’s that for woke?