I Voted. Back Off.
Early voting, tootsie rolls & widespread panic.
I took advantage of early voting this week so I could be one of the first to take a selfie holding my sticker inside my car while trying to look as earnest as possible but ending up with my insufferable signature smirk, as if to say, I Voted…or did I?
Someone told me that once I voted I would stop receiving all those annoying campaign texts. It didn’t happen. Today I got one that started off with “Are you ignoring us, Eileen?!” I half expected them to break into my house and boil my pet bunny.
I’ve mailed my 100 postcards, a painstaking process given that the post office inexplicably ran out of postcard stamps, leaving me to print the stamps out ONE BY ONE on the self-serve kiosk. People kept lining up behind me with their Priority Mail envelopes and I was like, this is going to take about an hour. So while you’re waiting, make yourself useful and address these cards for me. Surprisingly, no takers.
I’ve given money and even paid the extra $2 administrative fees. I’ve put out the obligatory yard sign so that undecided voters who walk by my house can be like, Oh look! A well-placed yard sign! I know who I’m voting for now! I’m even participating in a phone bank next week for Colin Allred who, if he beats Ted Cruz, will become America’s hero.
What else can I do? I mean, it’s not like I have the money to pay some swing state morons $1 million to vote. And the snack size plain M&M’s I’ve been handing out at area polling places don’t seem to be cutting it. At least I’m not handing out tootsie rolls, the WORST CANDY IN THE WORLD.
So, just to recap. There are only 12 days until Election Day. And if you haven’t already built a panic room in your house, replete with family board games that nobody plays and red wine that everybody drinks, it’s probably too late now.
Godspeed.
Can I share your panic room? I’ll bring beer and popcorn.
You are such a good writer and you make me laugh every single time and then I feel horribly guilty that I’m not giving you big bucks, but if you saw my rent for the townhouse in Westwood in Los Angeles, you wouldn’t feel bad. BTW I don’t think you have a smirk at all. I love the bit about the postcards and the stamps and the well-placed yard sign. My sister Cathy Sisk has three signs. I hope your Facebook pals to see them. Can you imagine if Colin beats Cruz? I mean as a 35 year political consultant I don’t think he will but still wouldn’t it be great. We could ask Colin to come on a cruise to raise money to retire his debt and we’d all party and drink red wine, although I drink bourbon. Anyway, I really enjoy your writing for what it’s worth and obviously for what I contribute to you. It isn’t worth much…sorry.