I Just Want to Say One Word to You. Magnets.

The state of our state is about what you'd expect.

In case you missed Greg Abbott’s State of the State address last night (not nearly as riveting as his 1973 State of the State), that was by design. It took place at the beautiful Noveon Magnetics Corp. manufacturing facility in San Marcos. See? There’s much more to San Marcos than the Premium Outlets and Auntie Anne pretzels. There are…magnets.

Traditionally State of the States are held in the House chamber in front of the entire Legislature, media and special guest Wayne LaPierre. But Abbott decided to deliver this year’s speech at a manufacturing facility where only invited guests were allowed to attend, like major donors, legislators and state officials. Except Dan Patrick. He was asked to stay home, for obvious reasons.

Initially guests were asked to sign an NDA (later withdrawn) and required to leave their cellphones outside the venue. For real? I mean, I’ll sign any NDA you put in front of me to get into an exclusive happy hour but there’s no way I’m ditching my iPhone.

The undisclosed location was only revealed thanks to a dedicated team of intrepid USA Today reporters who got their hands on the secret memo, conveniently hidden in Abbott’s garage next to Joe Biden’s Corvette.

According to the Texas Observer, Abbott’s emergency items included everything from property tax relief, removing Covid restrictions (forever!), education freedom, school safety, limiting access to bail, tightening border security and addressing fentanyl overdoses.

In other words, the time is now to take on those masked fentanyl addicts trying to make bail while crossing the border illegally to attend school for free thereby raising our property taxes.

I could make this tile in Microsoft Paint.

(Special thanks to John Moritz who wrote the original story that I basically plagiarized.)