I Hope They Serve McDonald’s in Hell

Can you get into heaven while starving the poor?

“They were careless people, Trump and Vance—they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made.”

Her voice is full of money.

It truly pains me to bastardize a quote from one of my all-time favorite novels, “The Great Gatsby.” But, considering the uncanny juxtaposition of Trump’s faux Great Gatsby Halloween extravaganza thrown just days before millions of Americans would lose their access to, you know, FOOD, I considered it rather germane.

Last week, a federal district judge ordered the Trump administration to fund SNAP benefits for over 40 million Americans that depend on them, something they threatened not to do until after the government shutdown. In order to meet required payments this month, the program needs $8 billion so Trump approved $4.6 million. Math is hard.

Trump’s Halloween party was held at Mar-a-Lago, where guests wore 1920s attire such as flapper dresses, pinstripe suits, knickerbockers, feathered headbands and MAGA fedoras. The theme of the gala was “A Little Party Never Killed Nobody,” a little known song by Fergie which employs the use of an incredibly offensive double negative.

Still, I must say I was pleasantly surprised a few weeks ago when Trump brought up his immortality and openly mused about his chances of getting into heaven. I’ve got this one. You’re not.

“I want to try and get to heaven, if possible,” he told reporters. “I’m hearing I’m not doing well. I am really at the bottom of the totem pole.”

He added, “I don’t think there’s anything that’s going to get me into heaven. I think I’m not maybe heaven bound.” OK, ignoring that poorly constructed sentence of “I think I’m not maybe,” let’s parse what he’s actually saying. The man who doesn’t care about anything is now reflecting upon eternal damnation. Well, HE SHOULD BE.

In fact, I have a parable for Trump. It’s the one about the loaves and fishes, or the Feeding of the 5,000, or “One of the few stories from the New Testament I can recall.”

A large crowd has gathered around Jesus to hear him speak and it’s getting late, so the disciples urge him to send the people away so they can go get food, since they only have five loaves of bread and two fish at the event (poor planning).

Jesus replies to his disciples, I’m good with that. It’s not like I’ve been sent here to heal the sick and feed the hungry.

According to all four Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and Mary Magdalene), Jesus performs a miracle that day, multiplying the bread and fish to feed everyone in the crowd.

The only miracle Trump ever performed was getting elected president twice.