He's a Brainiac

Megamind, declassified documents, deep thoughts, apologies to Flashdance and female welders.

First, I assume you’re wondering about the status of my Sunday NYT. No delivery, as expected. I waited in the online chat cue but instead of just reporting the usual missed delivery, I took it up a notch and said I wanted to cancel my subscription.

I can imagine the hush that fell over the newsroom as Customer Service announced that Eileen Smith is threatening to cancel her subscription. As the only print reader outside of Sun City Retirement Community, this definitely presented an emergency of epic proportions. They offered me a deal and I took it, with great hesitation. We shall see.

Now we turn to…Donald Trump. I try not to speak of him because his very existence makes me nauseous and forces me to fall dramatically on my traditional fainting couch with a cold cloth on my head. So much so that if I were forced to vote for a Republican nominee for president, I’d vote for Ron DeSantis.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT TOOK FOR ME TO TYPE THAT? My fingers literally curled up in protest and I had to type with my pug’s paws. Yes, they’re both complete sociopaths but I actually believe that DeSantis would not have encouraged his supporters to try and kill his vice president. A low bar, to be sure, but I think that’s about where we are as a society.

As you no doubt have heard, unless you’re in constant denial and living in unadulterated bliss, Trump told Sean Hannity in an exclusive interview that he can, essentially, declassify documents with his mind which means there were never classified documents at Mar-a-Lago and he never lost the presidency. Oh, snap!

“There doesn’t have to be a process, as I understand it,” Trump said. “You’re the president of the United States, you can declassify just by saying it’s declassified, even by thinking about it.”

This is extraordinary. I thought I was the only one. When I was little I discovered early on that my mind was far superior to everyone else’s. For example, I could make the world disappear simply by closing my eyes. And when I opened them? The world had reappeared. It still gives me chills.

Of course with a great mind comes great responsibility so I have harnessed my powers accordingly. I only use them for good like declassifying the Pentagon Papers, communicating with birds, and solving Wordle.

When a former president appears on national television to tell the world that he can make things happen just by thinking about them, you know it’s gotten bad. And while this does explain the majority of his presidency, it doesn’t explain the fact that Eric Trump hasn’t died under mysterious circumstances yet.

OK, hold on, I’m going to think of something and see if it happens. [Pause] Is Trump still here on the planet? Yes? Doesn’t work.