Here Comes the Groomer

A Texas lawmaker, a sex scandal & the Holy Trinity.

Texas State Rep. Bryan Slaton, a real “conservative’s conservative,” a real “Christian’s Christian,” a real “pedophile’s pedophile,” is now facing allegations of engaging in an inappropriate relationship with a young intern. Like underage young. Like “can’t get into a bar with her older sister’s ID because her older sister got all the looks in the family” young. Still stings.

According to an official complaint filed by a legislative staffer, who should be doing the state’s work, the 45-year-old invited/lured the intern back to his apartment late one night and served her alcohol. Well, you can’t fault a creepy, middle-aged married man for trying!

Slaton is an uber-conservative Republican and former pastor (as well as a youth minister) who apparently spends all his free time thinking about drag shows and obsessing about the LGBTQ community. He has called for a ban on allowing minors at drag shows, which he refers to as “grooming events,” so they can be protected from “perverted adults.”

I agree. Likewise, the Legislature should immediately impose a ban on female internships so they can be protected from “perverted adults.”

In a statement (that hasn’t particularly aged well but they rarely do), Slaton said, “This is just going to the grooming, the sexualization of our children. This comes down to decency, morality and ethics, and children should not be the object of your sexualization, your desires.”

He’s right. It does come down to decency, morality and ethics. And after flipping through my dog-eared copy of The Book of Ethics (Volume IX), I’m pretty certain that plying an underage intern with alcohol so you can take advantage of her in some type of power move is decidedly un-ethical.

However, according to glowing commentary on his website, Slaton was actually an ideal youth minister who dutifully heeded God’s call to party with underage girls:

He is a man full of integrity, drive, a passion for the Lord and a passion for youth.

He left such a positive impression on the youth of our church that I believe they will never forget his influence over them.

When I was still in high school, Bryan led me as one of my authority figures, the other 3 authority figures at that time in my life were first and foremost my Heavenly Father, God, my Earthly Father and my Church Pastor.

Wait. First of all, you don’t say who your Earthly Father is but I think his name is Jesus unless you’re talking about your human dad who is still really disappointed in you. Second, how was the Holy Spirit replaced by your Church Pastor? That’s not very fair considering that the Holy Spirit (née Holy Ghost) provides us with wisdom, counsel and conviction, while Slaton provides us with, well, fodder.

Next time a politician tells you he’s living by his morals, it’s pretty fair to say that he’s some kind of sexual deviant. Similarly if anyone tells you they’re “living their best life,” they’re not. Their social media profiles are a cry for help in a cruel, cruel world.

(Ed. note—Please insert “allegedly” in between every other word. I am nothing if not fair.)