Get Out of DOGE

Spoiler: It's worse than you thought.

In case you missed all the news that came out this week, which is entirely possible given that its speed is rivaled only by its absurdity, I’ll summarize.

The Trump administration is buying Greenland in order to re-house the millions of displaced Palestinians in the Gaza Strip. The president’s vision is to purchase the property and build the best luxury condos with premium amenities and services on the sand dunes of Al Deira.

Imported goods from China will be taxed at 200%, including smartphones, textiles, pandas and TikTok.

All federal employees will be rounded up and sent to Guantanamo unless they take the extremely generous and completely involuntary buyout packages.

Immigrants will be immediately deported to El Salvador, which will henceforth be known as El America.

Try to keep up.

Now if you’re thinking that taking over and totally, like, owning Gaza is a bad idea, you’re clearly missing the big picture. During his press conference with Netanyahu, Trump referred to it as the “Riviera of the Middle East.” Suck it, Hamptons!

Nicole Kidman partying in the Gaza Strip.

But I think that I speak for all of us when I say that USAID, the world’s largest humanitarian donor, has run its course. Thank God for the Department of Government Efficiency. They’ve probably been wasting taxpayer dollars on such frivolous activities as fighting world hunger, providing food and lifesaving medications around the globe, and eradicating poverty.

On Sunday, USAID employees suddenly lost access to their email and computers without any notice, which has happened to me more than once. One moment you’re doing the NYT Spelling Bee and the next you’re being escorted from the premises by Elon Musk. So humiliating.

Secretary of State Marco Rubio accused USAID of “rank insubordination,” meaning someone in the group willfully ignored or disobeyed his Code Red.

Meanwhile Musk, whose refusal to take antipsychotics has placed us all in grave danger, referred to USAID as a “viper’s nest of radical-left Marxists who hate America.”

Luckily those radical-left Marxists who hate America will be “placed on leave” (otherwise known as “exploring other opportunities” or “spending time with family”), effective Friday. If you’d like to find out more, you can go to their website which has been replaced by some sort of ransomware note asking for $10 million in bitcoin. Be sure to ask for proof of life.

Your hard drive has been terminated.

I’ve just got to pause here to take a cleansing breath and pretend that we’re not entering The Twilight Zone full throttle, specifically the episode entitled “The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street,” where neighbors suspect each other of being aliens.

The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices to be found only in the minds of men. Prejudices can kill, and suspicion can destroy, and a thoughtless frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all of its own. And the pity of it is that these things cannot be confined to the Twilight Zone.

Thank God that’s just a silly show and not real life! It doesn’t even have color! Prayer hands emoji!