Gator Bait

Alligator Alcatraz, Jeff Bezos and self-cannibalism.

There are countless people I’d like to see eaten by alligators, limb by limb, but an immigrant seeking asylum is not one of them.

I would start with Trump, Vance, their families, his entire cabinet and these two insufferable clowns who rented out the city of Venice for their nuptials. If you’re wondering why Jeff Bezos is marrying an aged mannequin fresh out of Corset Consignment, you’re not the only one.

Embalmed wife courtesy of Amazon same-day delivery.

Trump was visiting the Florida Everglades on Tuesday to tout the grand opening of a detention center which will house thousands of undocumented migrants in horrendous conditions. The facility, which consists only of tents and trailers, has been dubbed Alligator Alcatraz due to its convenient location on a tropical swamp surrounded by (spoiler!) alligators.

That’s fun! I’m going to build a large moat around my luxury ranch style house in East Austin and fill it with crabs to keep out the Save Our Springs solicitors.

Speaking from the detention center, Trump said that it wasn’t a place “I’d want to go hiking any time soon.” Seriously? Like Trump has ever gone hiking a day in his fat boy life.

“There’s not much waiting for ‘em other than alligators and pythons,” said Florida AG James Uthmeier, referring to anyone trying to escape. Because if the serpents don’t get ‘em, the hurricanes will!

The administration has assured us that only hardened gang members, brutal killers, working moms, day laborers at Home Depot, innocent bystanders, powerwashing nannies, college professors and 8-year-old terrorists will be detained there.

Late last night, the first group of migrants were escorted into the Four Seasons Alcatraz. In case anyone gets lost, just look for the sign.

After posting the sign, the construction workers were rounded up and detained.

The Miami Herald reviewed a video that showed one of the contractors jimmying a cell door with what appeared to be a CREDIT CARD. You can see all the strict security measures that have been implemented. Does anyone really think that these guards aren’t going to be the first ones in the water? All the detainees need is a CREDIT CARD. We can only hope that DeSantis is there that fateful day.

And things are just getting worse. According to Kristi Noem, who may or may not have married Jeff Bezos last weekend, ICE had detained a cannibal who “started to eat himself” on the airplane. That seems highly unlikely. Then again, if I were trapped on a long flight with that woman, there’s no telling what I would do.

Noem unveils her new plan to encourage immigrants to start eating themselves.

The facility is expected to cost $450 million to operate for a single year, which is where at least a portion of Medicaid funds are going. (You can thank Lisa Murkowski for that.)

However, if this whole torture chamber for immigrants doesn’t work out, the old airstrip turned Alcatraz doesn’t have to be completely dismantled. Most retirees in Florida would go there willingly if the TVs were permanently set to The Weather Channel, double martinis were served promptly at 3 p.m., the temperature was always 105 degrees and humid, and there were unlimited Tommy Bahama shirts.