Don't Be a Smart Ash

Greg Abbott, CINOs & the "Woke Agenda"

Today may be Fat Tuesday but tomorrow marks Ash Wednesday, the day of atonement, reflection and walking around with ashes on your forehead to prove you’re better than everyone else. When I was little the priest at our church would give these nice, light cross signs on all the other girls’ foreheads but he’d put a huge dark smudge on mine INTENTIONALLY I’M SURE so I’d spend the rest of the day looking like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins.

But enough about me. If you see Greg Abbott tomorrow with ashes on his forehead, it’s because he’s Catholic. I once saw him at mass and tried to get his attention so I could mouth “Get out” to him but he just stared straight ahead pretending to listen to the Sunday sermon. I’m not kidding when I say I was able to see through to his very soul and it was black as night.

Let me tell you about Catholics as there are several types. There are the fun-loving Irish Catholics (see: John F. Kennedy); the Italian Catholics (see: Justice Antonin Scalia); the Opus Dei Latin Catholics (see: Mel Gibson and fake Jesus Jim Caviezel); the conservative People of Praise wackadoo-Catholics (Justice Amy Coney Barrett); Episcopalians (Catholic wannabes); and lapsed Catholics (everyone else).

And then there’s Abbott (see: Pharisees). Abbott’s a CINO (Catholic in Name Only, am I right?). He pretends he’s this devout man who has picked up his cross to follow Jesus but acts nothing like Jesus and Jesus is all, Dude. Give me back that cross.

The Pharisees in the New Testament are mostly depicted as self-righteous and hypocritical religious leaders who dream of one day becoming governor of Texas. I found an excellent quote in the Book of Titus (which sounds fake but is apparently real) which perfectly describes Abbott: “They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good.”

(Also Catholic? Ron DeSantis, Reba McEntire, Meatloaf, and the majority of the Supreme Court.)

Abbott is, how do I put this, just terrible. He’s like the warden in The Shawshank Redemption mixed with Lord Voldemort. He hates children, women, people, diversity, public education, school libraries, healthcare, and the completely fabricated but politically convenient “woke agenda.”

Don’t get me wrong. Abbott doesn’t hate everything. He loves guns. Just like Jesus.