Come and Take Him
Running from scandal and running for the Senate.
Well, well, well. Looks like there’s a new crooked sheriff in town.
Texas Attorney General and walking baked potato Ken Paxton officially announced Tuesday that he will run against John Cornyn for the U.S. Senate in the midterm elections, placating the many Texas Republicans who were waiting with bated breath and have since passed out. Dummies.
My God. Do you know what this means? Ted Cruz may lose his hard-won title as the most despised man in Congress.
Honestly, I can’t think of a more exceptional candidate. Ken’s got it all. Corruption, infidelity, greed, bribery, flagrant misuse of office, granting illegal favors to wealthy donors, and securities fraud. And those are just the ones we know about.
Sure, he may be a racist pro-gun anti-vaxxer who opposes voting rights and tried to overturn the 2020 election and eats children for breakfast but he’s also Christian which means he’s forgiven. On the other hand, I’m Catholic which means I’m not forgiven until I’m afflicted with stigmata.
Paxton had been under indictment since 2015, which he wears like a damn medal of honor. And why not? This is the guy who faced multiple articles of impeachment two years ago and still somehow managed to evade justice.
This is the guy who once RAN AWAY from a process server with a subpoena by pulling a Thelma & Louise and fleeing the scene in a pick-up truck with his wife.
(Paxton’s wife Angela is a state senator, basically making them the envy of every other power couple. I mean, a state attorney general married to a Texas lawmaker? Somebody pinch me!)
Not only is he a criminal, but he’s, like, totally mental. He once was caught trying to steal a $1,000 Montblanc pen from a courthouse. And to think I felt bad about yanking the Bic pen off the string at the post office. Incidentally, whenever my father-in-law lent someone a pen, he would keep the top so that if they didn’t return it, the pen would dry out. Suckers.
In 2018 Paxton disclosed to his former chief of staff that he’d had an affair with a 50-year-old four-time divorcée and member of the Bexar County Republican Women, meaning she spends her time cross stitching pastoral scenes when she’s not engaging in sexual depravity.
Yes, it’s true. A woman who wasn’t his wife willingly slept with him. And she got a cushy job out of it.
Meanwhile the whistleblowers from Paxton’s team who testified against him during his impeachment trial were just awarded $6.6 million in a lawsuit. Are you KIDDING me? They all chose to work for that walking defect and now they get to live out their days like they’re in “The White Lotus.”
Cornyn has since called Paxton a “conman and a fraud,” which I assume Paxton will use as his next campaign slogan. Listen, I’m not saying that Cornyn is anything great. But considering the times we live in, you can always find someone worse. However, I’m not sure who Paxton could compare himself with to look better. Maybe a serial killer.
Sorry Eileen, but Ted Cruz will NEVER lose that title!!
Kenny is a problematic POS, but gosh, he always seems to come out on top. It’s amazing what voters will tolerate as long as you’re not a RINO or a libtard. (I suppose I should no longer comment since I am now an ex-Texan, but 21 years of experiencing Texas politics was plenty for me. I remember when everyone was saying we were going to be a purple state🤣)