Code Red

The FIFA Peace Prize, the mess in Maine & the homeless attorney general.

I watched Team USA Monday night with some trepidation due to Trump’s earlier FIFA interference to overturn the suspension of star player Folarin Balogun. Balogun received a controversial red card in the game against Bosnia and Herzegovina for stepping on a player’s ankle. I don’t know if he meant to do it or if it was an honest mistake, which I make all the time, mostly when someone in the neighborhood fails to say hi as I’m walking my dog.

After Trump’s embarrassingly offensive move, which ended in Balogun’s eligibility to play against Belgium, the U.S. ended up losing 1-4 anyway. As I watched them get totally crushed, I turned to my husband and said, it’s the Curse of Trump. And he said, no, Belgium’s just better. And I said, get out.

Trump has spent his ENTIRE LIFE dodging red cards and draft cards. Every time we think, he’ll NEVER survive this one, he does. It’s infuriating. He should’ve been benched for life by now. And you know how he convinced FIFA to overturn the penalty? Because its president, Gianni Infantino, has been trying to ingratiate himself with Trump forever.

Like when he awarded Trump the completely fabricated “FIFA Peace Prize” after he didn’t receive the Nobel Peace Prize, despite his sterling credentials. However, the FPP is just as prestigious as the Nobel and its lame recipients. I mean, what does the Dalai Lama know about soccer?

“I’m a person that loves sports and was a good athlete,” Trump said. “And I understand sports really well. Really well.” We can totally tell, what with that former athlete physique.

Of course, there are other stories of note besides the president singlehandedly ruining the World Cup. Like, say, Graham Platner’s rape accusation. (Called it.) If we lose to that walking fossil Susan Collins, it’s because of those delusional Democrats who kept rallying behind him, despite his Nazi tendencies and casual abuse of women. And why? Because he was an anti-establishment everyman oyster farmer! Thanks, Bernie Sanders!

Platner has since suspended his campaign, giving other potential Democratic candidates roughly 45 minutes to prepare. If we had actually vetted a candidate, we could’ve won the Senate. Bygones.

And then there’s our weekly Ken Paxton scandal. As attorney general, the Republican candidate for Senate made rampant voter fraud his top priority. He even created a tip line for people to report anyone who seemed suspicious at the polls or possibly just your neighbor. I called it several times asking to speak with a Mr. Hugh Jass.

Under Paxton, Texas election law mandates that in order to vote, you must register with the address that you currently reside. Problem is, Paxton has used an address that was not his primary residence to vote for the past TWO YEARS, including in his runoff against Cornyn.

His ex-wife said in her divorce filing that Paxton had moved out of their suburban home in Collin County in 2024 but he’s still using their address on his voter registration. So where has he been living? Unclear. But my money’s on underneath the Lady Bird Lake pedestrian walkway with all the other bridge trolls.