Better Call Beto

Gov. Abbott, Gov.-elect Beto, profanity & block walking.

Years ago, when I was still actually attending church, I saw Governor Greg Abbott there. I immediately narrowed my eyes at him QUITE SEVERELY and then just kept slowly shaking my head for dramatic effect. No, he didn’t see me. He was too busy pretending to listen to the sermon and let’s just say he’s not going to be winning any awards for his acting chops. I was the champion of pretending to listen to the priest at St. John’s Catholic School. (Here we go again.)

But this isn’t about Sunday mass and Catholics being better than everyone else. This is about Abbott and what a complete and utter asshole he is and how we deserve better but in this life, you never really get what you deserve. If you want to know more about that, get your sorry ass to church.

Obviously Beto has always been the right choice for Texas, outside of Matthew McConaughey and Kinky Friedman. That motherfucker moment heard round the world was pure gold. You could tell it was spontaneous because it was so genuine. In fact, if you wanted to show someone what Beto’s like, just show them that video. It’s all there. And then show Abbott’s video appearance at the NRA convention just three days after Uvalde. It’s all there.

As Attorney General, Abbott was a nightmare but at least he wasn’t front and center. As Governor, he’s a front-and-center nightmare, the worst kind. (Roe v. Wade to be addressed at a later date if I’m not already a Martha, living out my days as a household servant for the Commander and his loathsome wife.)

That said, I’m ready and willing to help Beto get elected. Currently Abbott’s about six points ahead, which isn’t great but not insurmountable. I’ve volunteered for letter writing campaigns and making phone calls and as a backup candidate for the gubernatorial debate. However they keep texting me about…block walking.

I just don’t do block walking. First, it’s too hot and I sweat like a pig, like more than Al Brooks in “Broadcast News.” Secondly, I don’t like getting doors slammed in my face. It reminds me too much of trick or treating on Halloween. I hate it when young, earnest volunteers come to my house. I always pretend I’m not home. If they ring the doorbell more than once, I drop to the ground and try to army crawl my way down the hall.

Also, after their too-rehearsed pitch, even though you’ve already told them you’re voting for their candidate, which SHOULD BE ENOUGH, they ask if you’ll consider putting up a yard sign. No. A thousand times no. I hate yard signs. The only sign I have in my yard is one of those ADT security signs. Because that will ensure the thief goes to my neighbor’s house instead.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some letters on scented stationery to write. Those Independents probably weren’t planning on voting for Beto until they were bathed in the sweet, sweet smell of fresh lavender.