Ballroom Blitz

Politics, racecar drivers, champagne & percentages.

Now before we just glibly assume that the incident at the White House Correspondents Dinner last weekend was totally staged, we need some solid proof. I mean, it’s not like the very first thing Trump mentioned afterward at the press conference was the new White House ballroom.

“I didn’t want to say this,” Trump said, “but this is why we have to have all of the attributes of what we’re planning at the White House. It’s actually a larger room, and it’s much more secure. It’s got — it’s drone proof, it’s bulletproof glass. I’m building a safe ballroom, safest piece of property on this country, in the world.”

Never mind. It was staged.

The president doubled down on Truth Social claiming that the attack “would never have happened with the Militarily Top Secret Ballroom currently under construction at the White House.”

Well, now we all know exactly where the Top Secret Ballroom is.

It’s like if I said that my super secret panic room, located underneath the floor in my closet which you can open by pulling on the black lefthand hanger, is the safest place in the world.

Trump went on to compare himself to Abraham Lincoln, who he then described as weak on crime and terrible on foreign policy.

“I’ve studied assassinations, and I must tell you the most impactful people — the people who do the most, take a look at Abraham Lincoln. The people that make the biggest impact, they’re the ones that they go after. They don’t go after the ones that don’t do much.”

Yeah. You and Herbert Hoover.

Trump’s grasp of history may be expansive but it’s his mathematics prowess that is truly unparalleled. When asked by a reporter if he was concerned about political violence, Trump responded:

“It’s a dangerous profession. You know, I tell the story — racecar drivers. I think it’s very dangerous. So if you take 1 percent and then take about 10 percent of 1 percent, just to break it down very easily, they die. So much less than 1 percent. Ten percent of 1 percent. I think bull riding is very dangerous. If you take about the same — 10 percent of 1 percent, much less than 1 percent. But if you take presidents, it’s 5.8 percent. And about 8 percent are shot at.”

Ten percent of one percent is 0.01%. (Trust.) How does he know that’s an accurate number of dead race car drivers? Is it in the Epstein Files Appendix B, C or D?

Now I may not know my percentages, having been taught high school geometry by our assistant football coach, but these calculations sound fabricated. Can I get a confirmation on the percentage of deaths in racecar driving compared to those of bull riding enthusiasts? And can we further break down the bull riding by real versus mechanical?

But what was really compelling about this night is the actions of a handful of guests in the aftermath, which makes you wonder how you would react in a similar emergency situation. I imagine I would finally take the opportunity to attempt pulling out the tablecloth from underneath the place settings.

First, there was that Goldman Sachs exec who sat there calmly eating his salad during the chaos and removal of the president and asking the guy next to him, “Are you going to finish that salad?” (To be fair, it was spring pea and burrata.)

Then there was the woman unabashedly helping herself to bottles of champagne from the empty tables. Like, not one bottle. Bottles.

Finally, Cheryl Hines, wife of RFK, Jr. and onetime semi-respected actress on Curb Your Enthusiasm, being left behind by her husband as he was rushed out by Secret Service. She was literally climbing over chairs in her strapless gown trying to catch up with them. Girl. One, you are totally expendable and two, you are way too old to be wearing a strapless gown.

In an interview on 60 Minutes the next day with Norah O’Donnell, she asked the president, “Why do you think so many people want to kill you?”

Dude. That’s a softball. He should’ve said, because I’m the worst person on the face of the planet. Instead he spoke more about … wait for it … the ballroom.

“I’m building a safe ballroom. And one of the reasons I’m building it is exactly what happened last night. If you walk out and move 20 yards to the left, you’ll be right at the entrance to the ballroom. And that ballroom is being built on the safest piece of property in this country, probably one of the safest pieces of land in the world.”

Just remember, if they say it’s not about the ballroom, it’s totally about the ballroom.