And They Lived Trumpily Ever After

Children's literature, Kash Patel, G-men and German book reviewers.

The holidays are upon us, which means that I’ve been furiously shopping on Amazon while cursing Jeff Bezos because he’s a soulless multibillionaire who ruined The Washington Post and yet, thanks to him, I do not have to leave my house to buy gifts that no one will even appreciate. (Playing the part of long-suffering martyr this Christmas will be me.) This is the absolute last time I give family, friends, colleagues and mere acquaintances an ornament frame with my photo inside.

This week F.B.I. Director Christopher Shays announced he will be stepping down after Biden leaves office. But since he’s F.B.I, we have no idea if he’s lying or not. Kash Patel is Trump’s pick to replace him, and let me tell you something about Kash Patel. He’s not only a complete sociopath but he’s also a children’s book author.

I’m actually not sure if there’s a direct scientific correlation between sociopath and children’s book author but, honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised. (Check out Patel’s celebrated literary essays, “The Berenstain Bears Storm the Capitol” and “Curious George Gets Deported.”)

Run, don’t walk, to your nearest Barnes & Noble.

“The Plot Against the King,” a Caldecott Medal finalist in a parallel universe, is a whimsical retelling of “Hillary’s horrible plot against Trump.” In this riveting story, a “Distinguished Discoverer” named Kash solves the case. I can’t remember ever encountering a children’s book character named Distinguished Discoverer but I was in Pinkalicious hell.

I browsed some of the reviews on Amazon because the only thing I like better than reading smart people is reading stupid people. My favorite was from someone in Germany: “eine absolut geniale idee von kash patel unsere kinder zu lehren, damit so etwas nie nie wieder passieren kann... WWG1WGA!!!”

If you can’t get enough of “The Plot Against the King,” it’s actually the first in a trilogy. Yes. A trilogy. Who does he think he is, Stephenie Meyer? Patel’s signed copies cost $50. Instead of the little ones getting $50 of Robux, Santa’s giving you this grotesque book autographed by Satan.

Walk, don’t run, to your nearest Barnes & Noble.

Not even your nearest Barnes & Noble carries this one.

The books were published by Beacon of Freedom, an imprint of BRAVE Books. Those sound beyond fake. That’s like me self publishing something on Amazon with all the other deadbeats and referring to myself as an auteur.

On a podcast in September, Patel said that he would “shut down the F.B.I. Hoover Building on day 1 and reopen it the next day as a museum of the ‘deep state.’”

Well, that sounds fun! Hey, kids! Would you rather go to the Natural History Museum and see the big elephant or head to the Deep State Museum and view the special QAnon exhibit?

Now I feel compelled to write my own children’s book entitled, “The Plot Against America: How a Disgraced President, His Robot VP, an Alcoholic Sexual Predator, a Russian Spy, a WWE Body Slammer, a Man With a Worm in His Brain, an Anti-Semite, Real-Life Psychopaths, and a Handful of January 6th Enthusiasts Ruined Children’s Literature Forever.”