All Saints Vote

Early voting, patron saints, patron squirrels and the polls that matter not.

Let me be the first to wish you a happy All Saints Day. Every All Saints Day at St. John’s we dressed as our patron saints and marched in a parade wearing white robes. My saint was St. Helena, who found the true cross among the three on Mt. Cavalry. I would carry a couple sticks fashioned together by the rubber bands from my braces, which is why my bottom teeth are crooked to this day.

While I have rarely waited too long to vote (really because if it’s more than 15 minutes, I just grab an I Voted sticker and bolt), last Friday I didn’t have to wait at all. Naturally I found this extremely suspicious so I hid behind some of the placards outside hoping to spy a poll watcher or two so I could spend the rest of the day watching the poll watchers watching the voters watching me watching them. I can’t wait to look back on my life and say, I spent my time on this earth really well.

Whenever I vote, I go back and review my choices at least 28 times because I’m terrified that I blacked out for a few seconds and selected the wrong one. So in case Beto loses by one vote, you’ll know who to blame.

Let’s be honest. Things are looking pretty grim for the Democrats, thanks to the stellar Republican candidates. How are these completely beatable people unbeatable? Is half of the American electorate really that stupid? I used to believe that there was more common ground. Now it’s like, no, they’re really that stupid. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of them is definitely an idiot.

Which brings us to polls. (Incidentally when I was at Texas Monthly, I created a blog called Poll Dancing because I thought I was SO CLEVER, which was about as clever as naming your blog after pink granite.) For example, just last week there were four different Beto vs. Abbott polls. LBJ School/Univision found a 4-point spread. Beacon Research found a 2-point spread. The Hill called a 10-point spread. UT Politics Project said 11 points.

Are you kidding me? That’s not polling, that’s professional guesswork. I might as well just call up random people and ask who they’re voting for and if they hang up on me they’re either Abbott voters or they’re sick of the joke about running refrigerators.

Of course, I still look at the polls in order to torture myself and scream THIS MEANS NOTHING to no one in particular since I work from home. Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight has this helpful graphic. (This is just a screenshot; don’t try to interact with it or you’ll feel foolish all day, and rightfully so.) Notice the extremely knowledgeable squirrel or something that looks very much like a squirrel wearing a graduation cap and oversized glasses so we know he’s super smart. What IS this? Dress up some cartoon animal holding a pointer to convince readers that their polls are trustworthy? As you can gather from Professor Squirrel, Texas is “solid R.”

It’s pretty incredible that, despite Abbott’s overall gross factor, he’s poised to stay in office. I say “incredible” knowing that it’s really not because you can never underestimate the potent blend of ignorance, hate, resentment and professional quilting. I plan to protest outside the governor’s mansion with my new Stop the Steal sandwich board. (It used to say Save the Seal but I have made the necessary adjustments.)

If only we could all be like that nearsighted rodent PhD pollster, our lives would be much more meaningful. The least we can do is vote.