A Jury of Your Jeers

Print this newsletter out and eat it. Guilty on all counts.

Ed. Note 1: I almost published this right before the verdict and am publishing it now because it’s all I have.

Ed. Note 2: My sincerest apologies for mistakenly referring to Justice Brett Kavanaugh as “Tom” Kavanaugh last week, especially after my bragging that I could name all the justices on the Supreme Court.

I haven’t been this humiliated since they made us cheer at the high school wrestling meets.

P-I-N <clap> Pin him for a win! <clap>

Which brings us to the Trump trial and jury deliberations. Just to review, Trump has been charged with 34 felony counts of falsifying business records related to Stormy Daniels’ $130,000 hush money payment. (PSA: Hush money doesn’t really work.)

If convicted, the former/still president could face probation or up to four years in prison. The verdict on each of the felony counts has to be unanimous.

The jury spends its time in a sad, windowless room at a soda-stained conference table with a lone lightbulb dangling from the ceiling. They’re probably subsisting on mini bags of Fritos and Folgers instant coffee and, honestly, I can’t decide which is more disgusting.

Over the past couple of days, the jury has been sending cutesy notes to the judge requesting a rehearing of testimony from Michael Cohen and National Enquirer publisher David Pecker. (Grow up.)

Court sketch of David Pecker; also, Pigpen as an old man.

Lame. If I were sending notes to the judge, mine would be like, I’ll have a grande oat milk vanilla latte. The second one would read, one of the more Trump-leaning jurors has died. Please send in an alternate.

The jury has also asked to review the judge’s instructions, specifically to review the meaning of inference. Just so you know, the text below is without a doubt the most insightful section of the document. And I read all 54 pages.

If I didn’t see the rain, I’m pretty sure it didn’t rain.

This is insane. We all know this is going to end in a mistrial since there’s always that one holdout who wants to think they’re special but they’re not and their parents could have told them that.

It seems logical to infer this because I now understand what inference means and how we all know we need to wear raincoats and carry umbrellas.